Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
