I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
