Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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