If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In other news, I just burned my penis
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
