my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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