If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
