What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
