you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
