dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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