I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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