At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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