If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
