I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
