I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
