Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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