the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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