Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
