She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
