you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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