that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
did i just pee glitter
how does that bad decision feel?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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