im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
