you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
