I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
