I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
