Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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