she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
