Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
