Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
