I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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