I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
