walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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