his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
