I smell stomach acid.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
