I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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