I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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