...so i touched it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
im holly from the hills drunk
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
