bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
