I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
