New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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