Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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