Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
