FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
