There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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