Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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