please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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