the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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