If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
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