I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
