It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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