Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
