At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
