You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
