I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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