How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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