Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
