Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
