me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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