I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize
